Maria | she/her

just some random food from this week. Being able to join in with no regrets is the best thing ever ? Found out that Nutella is gluten free!!! :))) I’m so happy ?

Lil story today: Everyday I bring my food from home to work. Today I forgot everything at home so I went to a little supermarket near work, where i usually go often and they already know me. I went there like 6 times today (never buy anything all at once?) and in two of those times the same lady said: 1st time - “is this your lunch today?”, to which I replied “yes, I’m starving” and she giggled. 2nd time- “wow you’re really hungry today” and I just said “it’s the usual, I just normally bring food from home”. She doesn’t know me, she has no idea how much I have eaten today, she just saw me buy food several times today, and felt like commenting (for whatever reason). A situation like this would have a great impact on me in the past, the lady saying I was hungry would probably make me doubt if I should eat that or if I had already eaten ‘too much’ but who is she and what does she know about my body???? Only I know my body and my needs. Everybody is different. There is no reason why I should take this comment personal, and there’s no reason I should eat differently just because someone thinks xyz ? Instead, I’m writing this while eating white chocolate cookies and toasting to recovery, which allows me to be doing this and absolutely give no craps ?? Ps: pic from the other day, in the first floor of a really cool bar ?

@society. I don’t see why this is so hard to understand ?? Why do people have to comment on weight? weight gain, weight lost, ‘you’re in shape’, ‘you should go to the gym’, ‘you look xyz’ just STOP. ✋ even if you think it’s well intentioned, just don’t do it. It’s none of your business. You have no idea of what people are going through. If they want to tell you something, they will. Otherwise, just shut up about it. Thank you ?

I just finished reading the book ‘pay it forward’ (if you haven’t read it, pls go read it) and I’m so inspired omg (there’s also a movie). It’s about a 12yrs old boy named Trevor, who is doing a school work for social studies. The topic of the work is “doing something that changes the world, for better”. And he this in this simple idea: doing something nice for 3 people. In return, each one of these people would have to do something nice for 3 people as well, and that’s called ‘passing the payment’. At first he helped a homeless man called Jerry. He gave him all the money he had received from delivering papers, to help him buy nice clothes so he could get a job and start his life. But soon, Jerry went back to consuming and got arrested. Secondly, he helped an old widowed lady, whose son couldn’t care less. He realized that her garden was really important to her, so I everyday after school he’d go there to take care of it, simply because he wanted to do something nice for her. But then this lady died. Although his great effort in doing nice and genuine things, he started to think that his project ‘failed’ because people were not passing the payment. I won’t tell you about the third person he helped. Or the forth, or the many. I suggest you read the book, in the hopes that it can change your world too, even if just a little bit. Anyways, I brought this book to work and a therapist that works here saw it, and said that the book inspired her motto of life. And then she began to tell me how last week, an old lady in front of her fell on the street. She was fine, but her phone was completely broken. The therapist helped her get up, and the old lady was worried because she really wanted to call her son but she didn’t have a phone anymore. So the therapist went in a store close by, and bought her a new phone. The lady didn’t want to accept it, but the therapist said that someone in her life had helped her when she needed the most, and that she had to pass the payment. And explained all of this to the old lady, and she accepted the phone. ⬇️⬇️ finale in comments

It’s funny how looking back, I don’t remember the ‘good’ in the eating disorder. I don’t remember how ‘good’ it felt to lose weight, to have the feeling of control, to feel ‘powerful’. I remember feeling faint all the time, starving, trying to survive during the day and not being able to sleep at night when I was exhausted. I remember wanting to join in with people and have fun, but that always included food, so I’d have to make up an excuse, and eventually I stopped being invited because I always said ‘no’, but it was fine because I’d rather be alone and do my own thing without the pressure of other people because after all, I didn’t have energy for anything else. I remember dreaming about food all the time, the promises I’d make myself that one day I’d allow myself to eat xyz (except that day would never come). I remember feeling weak, my body hurting even in bed, being scared when hair was falling everywhere. I remember being ‘forced’ to do things by my own thoughts, I remember the rituals I was ‘obligated’ to do, I remember the feeling extremely cold and the loneliness, oh the loneliness. I remember going into a hospital coma with a couple of drinks and waking up alone in a foreign country with a broken phone, and the complete rock bottom I felt. I remember crying in bed desperate for it to stop. I remember the battles going on inside my head, and I remember not feeling understood and distant from everyone. I remember going on holidays with my family and ruining it because I was constantly fighting everyone. I was selfish, careless about other people, a human calculator. I remember the screams and crying of my mom, begging me to eat, and how I maltreated her. I remember the fear when I realize I didn’t want that life anymore but I couldn’t stop it. I remember being scared to die. That’s what I remember. And I’m proud to say that I never want nothing of that again. An ED is not something you want for your life. Please make good memories, worth remembering, and free of this illness ❤️

For those who’ve known me from a while ago, you know that I used to post body pictures and that it helped me to accept my body & see it as it as - the vessel for my being. Since some months ago, I started losing weight due to medical reasons (I’m completely recovered from my ED!!) & due to finding out I’m celiac and my body not absorbing all nutrients from food. I’m still finding out the celiac stuff, learning what I can & can’t do, still including gluten in my diet because I’m waiting for some more exams, but I’ve been feeling ‘bad’ for posting pictures of myself (due to my weight loss) & afraid to trigger people (although I’m a healthy weight)?? Idk if this makes sense but I was so happy in the body I was in and I still am because I focus on the body and not on it’s looks (!!!) I am just reluctant about posting myself on here and I kinda feel bad for losing weight even though it’s not my fault???? ? it’s like I know I’m recovered but for having lost weight it seems like I’m failing? ugh ? Maybe just pressures of my brain to ‘keep up the good work’ (which is BS, I’m doing my best!!). I guess that this is just a reminder that BODIES CHANGE. Bodies are always changing due to several reasons. I’m learning how to manage all of this in my head, I suppose. And I just wanted to share it. Any thoughts on this are appreciated! And here’s a photo of me to defy my thoughts. I don’t have to hide or be ashamed of what I look like, regardless of what that’s like ? Ps: I HATE THE FACT THAT PEOPLE AROUND ME ARE SO INGRAINED IN DIET CULTURE THAT PRAISED MY WL WTFFFFF. Don’t comment on peoples bodies please, you have no idea what they’re going through!!!!!!!